Saturday, 2 June 2012

Squirrel Vajazzles, eating spiders and caterpillar insoles.

'It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes'. Well, actually I'd rather you didn't to be honest.
Most naked humans look like a lard sculpture crafted by traumatised chimps.

Which brings me onto the subject for today.


Totally missing the point, Dave has opted for a 'Squirrel Vajazzle'.

There are a hell of a lot of insects around at the moment. Flying, crawling and 'skeetering', whatever that means, about the place.
Look around you.
Their corpses are lying in their millions on your window sills and floors. Their bodies are floating in the bog, they're all tangled up in your hair and if you tip out your socks you'll find out why your shoes felt tight.

But this is another untapped resource that could save us all a few quid.

Insects are widely eaten across the world, but that seems to be mainly in hot places where the insects grow to nightmarish proportions, one carcass easily feeding a family of four with plenty of leftovers for sandwiches.
We're not so lucky here in the UK, where the people grow to nightmarish proportions, but the insects remain manageable.

But we can still make the best of what we have.

1. Sweep up all the insect corpses and put in a screw-top jar. Use as 'sprinkles', thereby adding protein and 'crunch' to your food. Insects require no refrigeration, which is good because our fridge is playing silly buggers.

2. If you find a large insect like a butterfly or nice shiny beetle, put it in your hair, pin it to your shirt, or save it as a present for a special friend.

3. If you're a bit common, you can use insects as 'Vajazzles' but you run the risk of others assuming that you have some sort of  pubic infestation.

4. Woodlice taste just like King Prawns. They have the same meaty texture and turn pink on cooking.  Go on, whack 'em on the barbecue.

Dave, delighted with his barbecued woodlouse.

5. One for the Motorists. As soon as you get that tell-tale blob of orange goo on the windscreen (Airkill), do an emergency stop, get out and scoop it into a bucket.  This stuff is identical to Swarfega, but a fraction of the cost. It also makes an excellent marmalade substitute and is a safe, organic treatment for genital thrushes.

Incidentally, don't eat at Service Stations as they are overpriced purveyors of toss. By all means stop, but feast on the juicy free range Airkill trapped in the radiator grilles.

Dave, eyeing up some Airkill.

6. Caterpillars don't taste nice but make excellent insoles.

7. Dead bees make perfect ear plugs.

8. Daddy Long Leg's wings make great contact lenses, having exactly the same optical refractive index as the human eye.

9. Stick dead ladybirds on your face, go into work and claim to feel unwell. You will immediately be sent home sick, no questions asked. Remember to keep for reuse next week.

10. Spiders are your friends. Raid their webs if you fancy some fresh meat. Eat the spider while you're at it.

Down the hatch!

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Money grabbing Gob Doctors and mouthwash hogwash.

Ahhh, dentists.
The scholarly 'Tooth Doctors', greedily sucking cash from the dry, withered tit-wallets of the gormless grateful.

Dave has the teeth of an 'oss.

I speak from experience as I spent 18 months working as a rather brawny dental nurse in the late Eighties.
I saw many sharp practices, one being Mr X who liked to show off by flossing his patient's teeth and unearthing great lumps of ripe putrescence which he wiped on their sleeves as a punishment.

Fair enough, but he kept the same length of 'demo floss' for weeks on end. I'd never seen brown floss before that gig. He used to rinse it under the tap and leave it on the radiator to dry.
It stank like a scrofulous tapeworm that had been squatting up a dead horse's shitter.

Well, they're in the news again, charged with fleecing the public of their hard earned coconuts.
What a surprise.
Are you dutifully paying into your Denplan scheme and going for 6 monthly check-ups because that's what the dentist said you should do?

Stop it.

Right, this brings me onto today's subject.

Mouthwash. What does it do?

I'll tell you what it does. It makes a huge dent in your bank balance and makes your mouth all minty for about 30 seconds. Forget all this 'Fresh breath guaranteed for 12 hours' or 'Kills all bacteria dead for 6 weeks' rubbish.
It's utter gunt.
Five minutes after using it your breath is back to it's default setting-'decaying crabs on a hot day'.

Ever the public servant, I have been researching common household alternatives that still do the job, but at a fraction of the cost of commercial gum swill.

Dave didn't tie his mouth up properly, but luckily chips are at hand.

1. Sour milk. Yes, it's true, plain old sour milk makes your breath smell milky, like a tiny kitten. It also makes your mouth feel furry, like a tiny kitten, and adds a creamy white glow to your teeth, like a foal.  Swill and gargle, chew any remaining lumps and swallow.
Incidentally, sour milk contains 97% of the Earth's Strontium reserves, thereby providing round-the-clock protection against Phossy Jaw.

2. Tomato Ketchup. Yep, plain old Tommy K. You've seen how it brings up your loose change haven't you?
Well it'll do the same thing for your teeth.
Put 10 tablespoons of ketchup into your gob before going to sleep.
Tie some string round your mouth to minimise leakage.
When you wake, what's left of your teeth will be all bright and shiny.
Obviously, keep the sauce for chips.

3. Butter. Melt 250g of salted butter, pour into your mouth and have a good swill. This will leave you with toast breath and very glossy teeth.
I recommended securing your tongue with a clothes peg to stop it slithering down your throat and being partially digested.
Don't smoke for at least an hour.
You can swallow the butter or save it for visitors. Your call.

Yet another use for Postie's Rubbers. Technique requires work. 

4. Vinegar. A good two hour session of sloshing your yap with neat malt vinegar will dissolve every speck of the tartar, enamel and dentine that is lurking in the bat infested folds of your filthy mush.
DON'T SWALLOW IT or your arse will drop off.

Obviously, keep the vinegar for chips.

There. Who needs the Gob Doctors?

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Shoeconomics: Full Foot Intercourse and The Half-Stepper.

Shoes. Extravagant luxury or basic necessity?
Whichever way you look at it they're an expensive piece of kit.

Dave, having descended from Botswanan Camels is very 'heavy' on his feet. Add to the mix his 'sweating issues' and it's all too apparent why he gets through his 'creps in superquick time.
They literally rot on his feet.
In one memorable week we were actually spending more on shoes than on swedes.
The alarm bells were ringing and it wasn't a tinnitus flare up.
We had a Shituation on our hands.

Dave, demonstrating the Half-Stepper.

Luckily, inspiration came my way.

I was in the library looking for books when I noticed a besuited chap trot up the stairs, like a big, snazzy gorp.
He was wearing ridiculously long, curly, shoes which looked to be custom made by the Broadmoor Leathercraft Group, as part of their 'Sutcliffe. Peter Sutcliffe.' collection.
Hand tooled and pricey.

As I watched him ascend to 'Romantic Fiction' I noticed that he was only putting the 'toe' part of his shoe on the step. The 'heel' part was left hanging in the abyss.
He was obviously trying to save shoe leather but unfortunately he decided to flick his hair while executing his mid air balletics, and came a cropper mid-toss on a loose Jersey Mid.
Broken jaw, according to the Air Ambulance driver.

Anyway, it wasn't all bad as his floorshow had inspired me.

There is no sense in putting your whole foot down all the time.
Full Foot Intercourse is an extravagant frippery that should be saved for special occasions, like spending your Clubcard coupons or changing the sheets.

And the 'Half-Stepper' isn't the only shoeconomy option.

Walk only on tip toes. If challenged, say that you're under the doctor.

Or walk on your heels. This works well in crowded places as it makes others think that there's something wrong with the floor. Soon others will be copying your fabulous gait.

Then there's the old favourite, 'hopping', which was a very popular pastime during the war years, amusing young and old alike for hours on end.
Alternate your hopping leg for even wear.

Training, in his custom made 'Hopping Harness'.

Or walk backwards. This has been scientifically proven to extend shoe life due to aerodynamics and the Gulf Stream, but it only works in the Northern Hemisphere.

And then finally, there is the advanced 'Inny and 'Outy' method.

Dave, brushing up his 'Outies'.

Here, you choose to walk either on the inner rim of your footwear, or the outer rim. You can even do one of each at the same time, but this does tend to make you look like you've been stricken with some kind of traumatic brain 'event'.

It's definitely not one for the Beginner, but we all need a goal in life, don't we?

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Trapped in the plughole? Shove it down the cakehole.

Okay. So you've tipped away the washing-up water and there's some food trapped in the plughole. What do you do?
Years ago, when we all had more money than sense, I would have either fished it out and put it in the bin, or sent it on it's way by pushing it through the holes.
Indeed, in the Nineties when I was a wealthy hedge manager, I remember employing a student to come round on a daily basis merely to flush out the plugholes and polish the aubergines.

Me and Henry Winkler. 'Whatchoo talking about Willis?'

Nowadays, it's not so straightforward.

Look at it. That is good, honest food down there. It's been bought and paid for. It's run the gauntlet of the 'baggage area', it's been transported home, it's been unpacked, cooked, served up, not eaten, and shampooed.

They way I see it, there's a reason that it hasn't gone down the drain.

It's a Sign from The Universe.

And the Sign says, 'Eat it, you Slag'.

If you're tall, you need do no more than nonchalantly lean into the sink, put your lips around the plughole and suck deeply, being sure to use your tongue in the manner of an anteater, to extract every last morsel.
Leggy sorts are in a very fortunate position as they can do this manoeuvre whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Dave has done the anteater while pretending to use the toilet in a Little Chef as well as during a rather fraught flight to Malta.
He almost got caught at the Little Chef, but got away with it by claiming that there was a little kiddy trapped in the 'U' bend and he was shouting encouragement to it.

Being rather short, I can't execute an anteater without injury, so I tend sit on the draining board and have a prod around with a winkle fork.

Dave, listening to kiddies.

Uncannily, the plughole somehow predicts your personal dietary preferences and in addition to much hair, usually contains foodstuffs that you eat on a regular basis.

I have conducted a global scientific survey and can confirm that the most commonly found plughole foods are pasta quills, slices of mushroom, tomato skin, sweetcorn, cooked egg white and carrot.  As you can see this covers all the main food groups except booze, thereby ensuring an almost perfectly balanced diet.

Occasionally you will find a surprise in your hole. Yesterday I found a chicken.
I haven't been able to run to a chicken for a couple of years, so it must have been a gift left by a wealthy benefactor.
I fished it out and boiled it up with a foraged pig mushroom and a potato I found in the road. It was delicious.

Suck it and see.

Don't waste the plug hole hair either. I carefully wind it around a pencil stub and use it as dental floss or as sewing thread for socks. Dave uses it for home fracking.

Poking around hopefully.

Don't try this anywhere but the kitchen, as other domestic plugholes are likely to contain mainly pubic hair, which is rubbish at flossing, and Ajax, which will dissolve your tongue in 10 seconds flat.
Happy hunting!

Friday, 18 May 2012

Eggshells, Mooncups, bollockcups and dog's ears.

Eggshells. What a waste. I've tried eating the shell along with the egg, but I've developed a low hobgoblin count and the quack reckons it's the shells wot done it.
I know they can be put on the compost heap or ground up to make egg coffee, but there must be other uses for this precious resource.
I have spent many weeks researching this dilemma and can confirm that there are.
Here are just a handful:

Dave attempting to Arsel an emu egg with total disregard for Health and Safety.

1. This is one for us gents. Take the half shell of an egg and make the edge smooth by expertly piping some silicone sealant on it.
Now the world is your oyster.
The shell can be placed over the Glansend after draining the lizard, thereby providing a discreet barrier and putting an end to those dribble stains that scream 'I SMELL OF PISS' to casual onlookers.  At the same time it will collect the urine for later examination.

The Bellegg Solution

Or slip the halves under your clockweights after you've put your pants on. This will provide much needed  support, which is especially welcome during the fraught and sweaty 'Yambag' phase of the Plum cycle.

Dave, in the throes of his Yambag monthlies.

This doesn't work with baggy boxer shorts, so get some proper pants.
For the less well endowed, most supermarkets sell unshelled quails eggs. If they are still too large, use the 'cup' bit off an acorn and join the circus.

2. Now one for the ladies. Find a chap and ask him nicely to expertly pipe some silicone sealant around the jagged edge of an eggshell. You may have to give sex.
Once dry, this can be popped into the Flinge Majorca area and used as a Moonpig. Make sure you wash it first to avoid contracting Fowl Pox or Egg Drop Syndrome.

If a hen's egg is too small I suggest that you use a duck, goose or emu egg. If that's still too small, join the circus with Acorn Man.
If you are a man you can still join in, but in trials, the muscles surrounding the ringpiece made the shell explode, causing shrapnel injuries. The Arsel muscle group is the strongest muscle group in the whole of the human body and even fractured nextdoor's gas barbecue, rendering it useless.
It's your call mate, but I'd wear some safety goggles at the very least.

3. If you have a dog, pop a shell over it's ears to prevent sunburn. Egg shells naturally have an SPF of 50+.

Grace demonstrating Eggtectors.

5. If you work with a load of wankers (statistics show that the average workplace wanker ratio is a staggering 67%), dot several shells around your desk and use them to store admin-related items such as rulers, pens and scissors. No one will come near you, leaving you in peace to browse porn and Tweet nonsense, to your hearts content.
I guarantee that nowhere in the Employee Tossbook does it say that this is unacceptable behaviour.