Thursday, 14 June 2012

Fragranced fluids, Voodoo Chiles and Bruce Forsyth's anal secretions.

Fragrance, perfume, aftershave, parfum, scent, l'essence. Whatever you want to call it, it's a waste of money.
It usually smells unpleasant and is always hugely overpriced. Most of the cost is down to the packaging, with the actual liquid costing around 5p a gallon to manufacture.
Fancy packaging may please a small child but as a money conscious gimlet-eyed adult, it leaves me cold.

Dave, whisking up a batch of his Jamie Oliver tribute stink - 'Pukka-Tongue'. 

And what happened to a subtle 'dab' behind the ears or gentle squirt down the arse crack?
Nowadays men and women alike seem to drench themselves in the stuff, leaving a nausea inducing cloud of toxic stench in their wake. It may be an acceptable face of anti-social behaviour but anti-social it remains.
Tag 'em.

Bizarrely, people spend a fortune on the fragranced fluids peddled by such luminaries as Carol Vorderman, Callum Best, Tulisa, Westlife, Jade Goody, Adrian Chiles or Colleen Rooney.

I wonder what's going on in someone's head when they hand over real money in return for a bottle of 'Voodoo Chiles' which, incidentally, has top notes of freshly peeled hard boiled eggs with undertones of Beefy Monster Munch and a subtle hint of Rover 75.
Unimaginatively, the bottle is shaped like a football.
There is also a matching 'Soap on a Rope', again in the shape of a football.
I think he's trying to develop a 'brand image'...

For the females we have Colleen Rooney's 'Butterflies' which has a 'subtle note of Tonka Bean'.
I kid you not.
Tonka bean? I doubt she'd know what a runner bean is. They must think we're stupid.
Really, really stupid.

Dave, the face of David Platt's new 'fume - 'Street Stink' by Rat Boy.

And for the He-Shes we have Peter Andre's offering which is a 'shared fragrance' called 'Insania', after his Top Ten hit.
If you see me buying it, call my usual ward sister and get the syringe ready...

People who don't have enough money for milk and bog roll will still fork out on a bottle of Donald Trump's latest discharge.
Do they think they will smell like him if they do? Do they want to?
Well they won't.
His 'signature scent' is his bespoke wig glue which is made by boiling up golf balls with the anal secretions from his personal troupe of performing baboons, of which Bruce Forsyth is the pack leader and still his best milker.
No, they will smell like fags and luncheon meat as usual, but with a 'top note' of sickly nostril-burning stink. And they will have squandered this week's 'Scratchy Money', to boot.

To conclude. It's a con. They want your money.
Don't let them have it.


  1. I'm a Fragrance Alchemist at Gnucci. I find your latest blog grossly offensive on a personal and corporate level.
    We are highly trained mixers here, some of whom have over 11 months experience smelling stuff and making then smelling other stuff.
    I have made and smelled over 40 different scents and only use the finest ingedients procured from the Orient or the bustling street markets of Constantinople and Petra.
    The likes of Jojoba and Aloe doesn't grow on fucking trees you know.

    It's a cheap shot and we're an easy target because the average peasant folk don't understand the complexity and subtle nuances of Fragomysticism and Smell Engineering. They just want to smell less bad - and we cater to that demand.

    So have at you!

  2. Well, I'm honoured to have caught the attention of you and your hallowed 'profession'.
    You sound like you may be a 'Top Nose', what with making over 40 scents and that.
    Are you responsible for 'Tweed'? If so, you need to be taken outside and given a good hiding.
    You are quite right, it was cheap shot but that's my speciality and for that, I make no apologies.
    Good luck with your quest to make peasants smell less bad, but if they didn't fritter away their cash on your foul and noxious brews they may become more financially secure, and as a result, get promoted to the levels of Serfdom.
    Kind Regards,

  3. Still laughing from your response. You have a wonderful, wicked, singular wit.


  4. Lovely comment-many thanks Mark.