Tuesday, 19 June 2012

18 'Must Have' Money-Saving Tips.

In response to an overwhelming trickle of requests, today's offering consists of a comprehensive collection of my latest money-saving tips.

  • Bin bags stuffed with rubbish make great 'emergency beanbags', should unwanted guests arrive.

Dave, chillaxin'.

  • To deter unwanted guests in the first place, smear your knocker or bell with something unsavoury  like phlegm or arse gravy.
  • If you don't have bay leaves use any leaves.
  • Save uncooked chicken skin. It's a brilliant standby in the event that you need an emergency skin graft. Remove feather stubs.

Totally misunderstanding as usual, Dave has opted for clothes peg earrings.

  • Pretend that you have more sausages for your tea by cutting them in half lengthwise and laying them flat side down on your plate. Do the same with peas.
  • Chicken bones make great bookmarks. This is a brilliant gift idea for Christmas, which is just around the corner.
  • Glue used plasters, blood/pus-stained side outermost, to egg boxes in order to make your own 'Damien Hirst'. Another great Christmas gift idea.
  • The jelly from the pear-shaped tins of ham makes a luxurious 'body butter'. Pork pie jelly is an acceptable, but inferior, substitute.
  • If you come across a used condom save it for storing carrots. Ideal for school lunchboxes.
  • If your spectacles are no longer effective, increase their strength by applying a layer of cling film. 
  • Visit your local petrol station and empty the dribbles from the filling hoses into a bin liner. You will soon have a full tank's worth.
  • Clothes pegs make attractive and useful brooches or, for the gents, tie pins.
  • Christmas is almost upon us so start collecting snail shells now. Fill with earwax in order to make a cheap and unique gift - 'Molluscandles'™ ©. Milk your ears daily for optimum wax production.  
  • If your spoon no longer works don't waste money getting it professionally repaired. Take it to pieces, oil and clean. On reassembling you should find it works perfectly.

Dave disassembling and cleaning his faulty spoon. 

  • The cardboard tube from inside a toilet roll makes a useful 'stool checker'. If you produce a stool with a girth too large to fit through the tube, consider doing a 'turn' at the circus to earn extra money.
  • If you have a sliver of soap, don't throw it away. Wedge it into your favourite orifice. As it warms you will emit a unique fragrance, like a human 'Plug-In'.
  • If you yearn for trouser pockets but have none, use safety pins or clothes pegs to attach carrier bags to your slacks. Stylish and chic.

    Dave modelling his newly-pocketed slacks. 

    • For economical 'bendy rollers', wind your hair around cheap hot dog sausages before going to bed.


    If followed for a week the average wastrel will save at least £50 as a result of these tips. However, the resulting savings MUST NOT BE SQUANDERED ON TELEPHONES, HOLIDAYS, PUGS, SPRAY TANS, CARS, PRINGLES, SCRATCHCARDS, MEALS OUT, UNDERWEAR OR VIDEOS.


    Thank you.




    4 comments:

    1. I aspire to your non-aspirational lifestyle. As you never seem to go anywhere or do anything, this tells you all you don't need to know about me. Thank you and please keep writing!

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    2. Many thanks for your comment 'Anon'. You are absolutely spot on although this week I did have an unexpected outing to the doctor's due to a chest infection. Once the antibiotics kick in, I shall try and come up with another witty missive.
      Kind Regards,
      Charlie.

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    3. Hello Charlie and of course the long suffering Dave. I have saved myself a tidy fortune since starting to read the blog so I've nominated you for a Versatile Blogger thingy. Do with it as you will (sorry it's more damn time consuming than I thought..) Personally I'd prefer to nominate you for Chancellor of the Exchequer as I think that would be more useful for all concerned!

      ReplyDelete
    4. Ha-ha-look out Osborne here I come!! Many, many thanks for the 'nomination'. It's very much appreciated.
      Charlie.

      ReplyDelete