Tuesday, 19 June 2012

18 'Must Have' Money-Saving Tips.

In response to an overwhelming trickle of requests, today's offering consists of a comprehensive collection of my latest money-saving tips.

  • Bin bags stuffed with rubbish make great 'emergency beanbags', should unwanted guests arrive.

Dave, chillaxin'.

  • To deter unwanted guests in the first place, smear your knocker or bell with something unsavoury  like phlegm or arse gravy.
  • If you don't have bay leaves use any leaves.
  • Save uncooked chicken skin. It's a brilliant standby in the event that you need an emergency skin graft. Remove feather stubs.

Totally misunderstanding as usual, Dave has opted for clothes peg earrings.

  • Pretend that you have more sausages for your tea by cutting them in half lengthwise and laying them flat side down on your plate. Do the same with peas.
  • Chicken bones make great bookmarks. This is a brilliant gift idea for Christmas, which is just around the corner.
  • Glue used plasters, blood/pus-stained side outermost, to egg boxes in order to make your own 'Damien Hirst'. Another great Christmas gift idea.
  • The jelly from the pear-shaped tins of ham makes a luxurious 'body butter'. Pork pie jelly is an acceptable, but inferior, substitute.
  • If you come across a used condom save it for storing carrots. Ideal for school lunchboxes.
  • If your spectacles are no longer effective, increase their strength by applying a layer of cling film. 
  • Visit your local petrol station and empty the dribbles from the filling hoses into a bin liner. You will soon have a full tank's worth.
  • Clothes pegs make attractive and useful brooches or, for the gents, tie pins.
  • Christmas is almost upon us so start collecting snail shells now. Fill with earwax in order to make a cheap and unique gift - 'Molluscandles'™ ©. Milk your ears daily for optimum wax production.  
  • If your spoon no longer works don't waste money getting it professionally repaired. Take it to pieces, oil and clean. On reassembling you should find it works perfectly.

Dave disassembling and cleaning his faulty spoon. 

  • The cardboard tube from inside a toilet roll makes a useful 'stool checker'. If you produce a stool with a girth too large to fit through the tube, consider doing a 'turn' at the circus to earn extra money.
  • If you have a sliver of soap, don't throw it away. Wedge it into your favourite orifice. As it warms you will emit a unique fragrance, like a human 'Plug-In'.
  • If you yearn for trouser pockets but have none, use safety pins or clothes pegs to attach carrier bags to your slacks. Stylish and chic.

    Dave modelling his newly-pocketed slacks. 

    • For economical 'bendy rollers', wind your hair around cheap hot dog sausages before going to bed.

    If followed for a week the average wastrel will save at least £50 as a result of these tips. However, the resulting savings MUST NOT BE SQUANDERED ON TELEPHONES, HOLIDAYS, PUGS, SPRAY TANS, CARS, PRINGLES, SCRATCHCARDS, MEALS OUT, UNDERWEAR OR VIDEOS.

    Thank you.

    Thursday, 14 June 2012

    Fragranced fluids, Voodoo Chiles and Bruce Forsyth's anal secretions.

    Fragrance, perfume, aftershave, parfum, scent, l'essence. Whatever you want to call it, it's a waste of money.
    It usually smells unpleasant and is always hugely overpriced. Most of the cost is down to the packaging, with the actual liquid costing around 5p a gallon to manufacture.
    Fancy packaging may please a small child but as a money conscious gimlet-eyed adult, it leaves me cold.

    Dave, whisking up a batch of his Jamie Oliver tribute stink - 'Pukka-Tongue'. 

    And what happened to a subtle 'dab' behind the ears or gentle squirt down the arse crack?
    Nowadays men and women alike seem to drench themselves in the stuff, leaving a nausea inducing cloud of toxic stench in their wake. It may be an acceptable face of anti-social behaviour but anti-social it remains.
    Tag 'em.

    Bizarrely, people spend a fortune on the fragranced fluids peddled by such luminaries as Carol Vorderman, Callum Best, Tulisa, Westlife, Jade Goody, Adrian Chiles or Colleen Rooney.

    I wonder what's going on in someone's head when they hand over real money in return for a bottle of 'Voodoo Chiles' which, incidentally, has top notes of freshly peeled hard boiled eggs with undertones of Beefy Monster Munch and a subtle hint of Rover 75.
    Unimaginatively, the bottle is shaped like a football.
    There is also a matching 'Soap on a Rope', again in the shape of a football.
    I think he's trying to develop a 'brand image'...

    For the females we have Colleen Rooney's 'Butterflies' which has a 'subtle note of Tonka Bean'.
    I kid you not.
    Tonka bean? I doubt she'd know what a runner bean is. They must think we're stupid.
    Really, really stupid.

    Dave, the face of David Platt's new 'fume - 'Street Stink' by Rat Boy.

    And for the He-Shes we have Peter Andre's offering which is a 'shared fragrance' called 'Insania', after his Top Ten hit.
    If you see me buying it, call my usual ward sister and get the syringe ready...

    People who don't have enough money for milk and bog roll will still fork out on a bottle of Donald Trump's latest discharge.
    Do they think they will smell like him if they do? Do they want to?
    Well they won't.
    His 'signature scent' is his bespoke wig glue which is made by boiling up golf balls with the anal secretions from his personal troupe of performing baboons, of which Bruce Forsyth is the pack leader and still his best milker.
    No, they will smell like fags and luncheon meat as usual, but with a 'top note' of sickly nostril-burning stink. And they will have squandered this week's 'Scratchy Money', to boot.

    To conclude. It's a con. They want your money.
    Don't let them have it.

    Saturday, 9 June 2012

    Cards, HUH, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing....

    I find the whole idea of the 'greetings' card a very strange concept. More pressingly, they are a waste of money and a massive drain on this country's resources.

    Upon receipt of a card most people put them up in the house for a few days, where they repeatedly fall over and make the place look untidy. Some folk invite trouble by putting them in the window, where they indicate to burglars that your house is full of expensive gifts, Cava and 'party food'.
    Wherever you place them, the majority are thrown away within the week.

    Dave, showing off his big birthday card and wearing his special birthday hat.

    That's right, they throw your £2 card away, in the bin, dead. Just like you do when you get a card, so let's put an end to this pointless cycle of expensive nonsense right now.

    If you've bought a present, fair enough, but don't buy a card as well.
    Add the card money onto the gift budget, or buy a 'card substitute'- something useful like a packet of crisps, some cheese or a battery, or simply press a couple of quid into their hand while looking meaningfully into their eyes.

    And don't kid yourself that a card is a 'keepsake' or 'momento'.
    Do you treasure your cards and reread them years later, misty-eyed and dribbling while sipping sherry and stroking the cushions?
    I hope not...
    The only types who indulge in that type of behaviour are shrine-building stalkers who wear badges and kiss their Shakin' Stevens cuttings every night before bed.
    Best avoided.

    Dave, recovering from an expensive attack of the Prometheus Shitz.

    I'm not against people expressing their sentiments in writing, but don't go spending two quid on the paper.

    Write your inconsequential ramblings on some scrap paper (junk mail, receipts and Argos outlets are good sources), or for a romantic 'floaty' quality use half a piece of bog roll, unused if you want to impress.
    Scribble on an old piece of foil for a 'Space Age' feel, or spiral your message round a cardboard bog roll tube for a quirky, 'I've lost my marbles and am currently under lockdown' effect.

    And of course, you could always send your message via the Internet. Use someone else's computer to keep electricity costs to a minimum.  

    Saturday, 2 June 2012

    Squirrel Vajazzles, eating spiders and caterpillar insoles.

    'It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes'. Well, actually I'd rather you didn't to be honest.
    Most naked humans look like a lard sculpture crafted by traumatised chimps.

    Which brings me onto the subject for today.


    Totally missing the point, Dave has opted for a 'Squirrel Vajazzle'.

    There are a hell of a lot of insects around at the moment. Flying, crawling and 'skeetering', whatever that means, about the place.
    Look around you.
    Their corpses are lying in their millions on your window sills and floors. Their bodies are floating in the bog, they're all tangled up in your hair and if you tip out your socks you'll find out why your shoes felt tight.

    But this is another untapped resource that could save us all a few quid.

    Insects are widely eaten across the world, but that seems to be mainly in hot places where the insects grow to nightmarish proportions, one carcass easily feeding a family of four with plenty of leftovers for sandwiches.
    We're not so lucky here in the UK, where the people grow to nightmarish proportions, but the insects remain manageable.

    But we can still make the best of what we have.

    1. Sweep up all the insect corpses and put in a screw-top jar. Use as 'sprinkles', thereby adding protein and 'crunch' to your food. Insects require no refrigeration, which is good because our fridge is playing silly buggers.

    2. If you find a large insect like a butterfly or nice shiny beetle, put it in your hair, pin it to your shirt, or save it as a present for a special friend.

    3. If you're a bit common, you can use insects as 'Vajazzles' but you run the risk of others assuming that you have some sort of  pubic infestation.

    4. Woodlice taste just like King Prawns. They have the same meaty texture and turn pink on cooking.  Go on, whack 'em on the barbecue.

    Dave, delighted with his barbecued woodlouse.

    5. One for the Motorists. As soon as you get that tell-tale blob of orange goo on the windscreen (Airkill), do an emergency stop, get out and scoop it into a bucket.  This stuff is identical to Swarfega, but a fraction of the cost. It also makes an excellent marmalade substitute and is a safe, organic treatment for genital thrushes.

    Incidentally, don't eat at Service Stations as they are overpriced purveyors of toss. By all means stop, but feast on the juicy free range Airkill trapped in the radiator grilles.

    Dave, eyeing up some Airkill.

    6. Caterpillars don't taste nice but make excellent insoles.

    7. Dead bees make perfect ear plugs.

    8. Daddy Long Leg's wings make great contact lenses, having exactly the same optical refractive index as the human eye.

    9. Stick dead ladybirds on your face, go into work and claim to feel unwell. You will immediately be sent home sick, no questions asked. Remember to keep for reuse next week.

    10. Spiders are your friends. Raid their webs if you fancy some fresh meat. Eat the spider while you're at it.

    Down the hatch!