Thursday, 3 May 2012

Patrick Moore, not spending money on clothes and making your own 'sex pests'.

Spurred on by a picture Patrick Moore sporting some vertically generous trousers, I have been thinking about how to save money on clothes.

Dave, doing a 'Moore', while heavy with eggs.

I don't 'get' clothes at all. I hate shopping for them, and have only about 6 garments that I wear regularly, adding or removing layers according to the temperature.
I hate all things 'fashion' and believe it to be a big con. I have no time for 'fashion houses' such as Versace and Lagerfield, who furiously peddle their impractical and overpriced wares to the insecure and gullible. I have no desire to pay £300 for a T shirt.

But, don't get me wrong, clothes are required and I cannot think of anything worse than living with a 'naturist'.
No, Mr & Mrs Naturist, the human body is not beautiful, especially when it has spent half a century doing nothing but eating bacon in front of This Morning and doing word searches.

Yes, clothes are most definitely required, but for functional reasons only, such as providing scrotum support, thereby avoiding tripping accidents, or for the concealment of puppies, shoplifted goods or weapons.
And in these straightened times, I fully support Sir Patrick in his thrifty decision to extend the role of a pair of trousers to cover that of a vest...or a bib or something, in a kind of clothing BOGOF.

I shall name his vest/trouser combo a 'Vester', and we needn't stop there, as there are several other possibilities:

1. Long socks pulled right up and pinned together at the crotch-'Packs'-a pants and socks hybrid.
2. A large woolly hat, pulled right down to the shoulders, a 'Scat', half scarf, half hat.
3. A large pair of pants pulled over the chest, a pant/vest mix-a 'Pest' or a 'Sex Pest' if you insist on wearing 'alluring' undergarments i.e. 'Come round mine, I've got me Sex Pests on'.

For his Vesters, Mr Moore has splashed out on a special 13 foot long zip, which NASA made for him in a sterile cave in the Arizona desert. He's able to do this as he has paid off his mortgage and owns Jupiter.

Not all of us are in his enviable position though, so I suggest that you stick to the 'budget' option which is an elasticated or drawstring waist, as modelled by Dave. Either that or get catheterised. The NHS runs special 'Half Price Catheterisation' days on the last Tuesday of each month. Contact your local vet for details.
Frank the whippet, sporting a stainy 'Pest'.


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