Wednesday, 4 April 2012

A penguin is basically a large, fishy chicken and The Free Elastic Band.

We make our own booze, but occasionally Bacchus creeps in and does a big stinking Tom Tit in the fermenting vessel.
Due to poor planning, the only drinking matter available is the Jerusalem Artichoke Gewurztraminer that I made back in November 2009 and despite it's impressive ageing, it still tastes like shite.
In fact, it's impressive ageing is a very good indicator of just how shite it really is.

It's not normal to shudder after every mouthful, but it's going down the hatch all the same. I refuse to buy wine, as most of my £2.49 goes to The Babby-Faced Shiny One, and I bet he already has a whole cellar full of Grove Manor and a couple of pet sommeliers.
So it's a matter of gritting your teeth before they dissolve and getting on with the task of enjoying a drink.
They say necessity is the mother of invention and, ever the Fred Whittle, I have come up with several very inventive cocktails to 'soften' the flavour of the wine. Being a generous soul, I thought I would share these gems.

1. Two thirds Camp coffee and one third Jerusalem Artichoke wine. 'Screaming Flatus'.

2. Half and half measure of milky Earl Grey tea and Jerusalem Artichoke wine. 'Earl Fartbanger'

3. Coconut milk, 'tropical' squash**, and Jerusalem Artichoke wine, in equal measures. 'Quacking Monkey'.

As you can see, there is a theme, but due to the ripsnorting qualities of the 'choke, this is inevitable.
I'm coming up so you better get this party started
To commemorate the 100th anniversary of the death of the heir to the male hairspray empire, Captain Robert Falcon Scott, I have devised a special cocktail based on his diet of champagne and penguins.
Not having any champagne, I used some Morrison's Savers Diet Lemonade, and not having any penguins, I used a can of Glenryck pilchards in brine, with a few spoons of chicken paste mixed in. I'm very pleased with my 'mock penguin' recipe as a penguin is basically a large, fishy chicken and it's quite hard to find them fresh in Haverfordwest.

4. Blend the pilchards and lemonade together, top up with Choke wine and finish with a layer of evaporated milk.
Voila. 'Sex in a Tent with a Penguin'.

Very excited today as I received a free elastic band with the post.  That's obviously what Albert Hammond was singing about.
"But I gave it up for music and a free elastic band..."
Wonder what he gave up? Cocktails maybe?

**Preferably Um Bongo.

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