Monday, 16 April 2012

Emergency teabagging, soap in your gusset, drought foods and goblinaires.

So half of the UK is officially a drought area and we must all be careful with water. Regular readers will know that this has been my policy for some time, mainly because we have a water meter, but now I can pretend that it's for the greater good of mankind. Well, East Anglia.

Due to the emergency situation I thought that I would pass on my extreme water saving tips. Please that these tips are reserved for times of National Emergency only, like when Thomasz Shafernaker did a bird during the weather.

Warning: Graphic content. Dave teabagging.
1. Don't flush the toilet until the smell threatens to burn off your nostril hairs. Or until the fumes coming out of the bog cause mild burns to your Jacksy. Or there's a risk of combustion. Or there's no room left.

2. THERE IS NEVER ANY NEED TO TAKE A BATH. Just don't do it. If you are so filthy that a shower won't do, what on earth were you thinking? A bath is a waste of a nice lie down. It's wet and unnatural. It's also very slow and makes you itch. And you have to move all the coal.

4. Buy dehydrated food and don't add water. You'll still have a large choice of foodstuffs-Pot Noodles, Vesta meals, absolutely anything by Ainsley Harriott who has produced a very drought-friendly range (must've seen this coming), soup mix, cake mix, 'instant' mashed potato, dried pulses, stuffing mix, flour, soya mince, dried pasta, Super Noodles and Savoury Rice. The list is endless.

5. Put a teabag in your mouth for about 10 minutes. Your body will produce it's own tea, thereby negating the need for pots, cups, water, etc. Add sugar and milk (dried, of course) to taste. Same for coffee, Cup a Soup or Horlicks.

6. Stop washing your clothes. If you have a stain, rub the entire garment in the source of the stain in order to make the stain invisible. If you have made your clothes smell so much that they are no longer wearable, put them in the freezer for a few hours. You will then be able to wear them for short bursts, before they thaw and the smell resurrects itself. Keep a few outfits in there, so that you can rotate quickly. And don't go far from the freezer.

Dave, preparing for an interview. 
7. For special occasions, like interviews or weddings, spit on a bar of soap and rub it in your armpits. Then secrete the bar of soap in your gusset. As it warms, it will slowly 'aromatize' your bagpipes, like a human Plug-In, but more eco-friendly.

8. Save any excess spit in bin liners. Once you have several bags, you will be able to sell it to Southerners. They will pay premium prices and you may well end up a goblinaire.

Right, I'm off to fill up a few bin sacks before This Morning comes on.

4 comments:

  1. I like the way your mind work. Disturbing, very disturbing ;-)

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  2. God, you're right! - Ainsley Harriott is obviously trying to corner the dehydrated food market. I've got a few packets in the cupboard. Makes my mouth go dry just thinking about it.

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  3. Behind the 'complete buffoon' exterior there is a very sharp business mind.

    ReplyDelete