Sunday, 8 July 2012

Soup Slop. Soupid.


It's one letter away from 'slop', which just about says it all.

The average can of soup costs 89p-that's 89p for what is basically flavoured water. It is the food of the most foolish of wanton wastrels.

Dave, enjoying some delicious chicken soup.

Personally, I don't eat soup even if it's homemade, as it's ridiculous and serves no purpose, but I have often been tempted to make some from dead crows and grass cuttings and sell it to the people who carry wicker baskets and wear red trousers at my local 'Tosser's Market'
I would make the whole business even more farcical by serving it to them in a cabbage leaf-they'd lap it up.

So called 'New Covent Garden' soup currently retails for around £2 for 600g. That is so wrong I feel dirty just typing it.
Not only is it eye-wateringly expensive, every other flavour seems to revolve around the evil triplets of the vegetable world-butternut squash, sweet potato and pumpkins.

I used to work with someone who'd come in brandishing a carton of the pricey muck every morning. She'd place it in the fridge until lunchtime, whereupon the she used to heat it up in the microwave and eat it, like the mardy-faced bellend she was.
'Fair enough', you may think, but the person in question used to continually moan about how she never had any money and had to borrow money until pay-day yada, yada, yada...
I used to think 'yes, that's because you keep spending it all on 'Designer Soup', you gorp'. I told her this many times, but she took no notice.
Some people never learn.

Soup-what the manufacturers don't want you to see.

As well as canned and Tetra packed, soup comes in other guises - powdered, granulated, frozen, freeze dried and 'soup dough', which is a fairly new product.
It has the texture of bubble gum and you knead it with water until it has reached the desired consistency.
It's another one of those products that is designed to make you feel like you are cooking something, when in fact you are just kneading ready made soup dough.
Stupid really, but it seems to be what the consumer wants these days.

To summarise, and in the interests of getting it into a wider arena, I thought that I would compile a list of common commercial soups, and their principle ingredients...

Tomato soup-blood and battery acid.
Mushroom soup-snot and tag nuts.
Broccoli soup-snot and moss.
Chicken soup-phlegm and cotton buds.
Vegetable soup-vomit, moss and tag nuts.
Oxtail soup-diarrhoea and Marmite.
Pumpkin, butternut squash or sweet potato soup-nosebleeds, bog roll and baby sick.
Leek and potato soup-snot and cat skin.
Minestrone soup-bloody diarrhoea with parasitic worms in it.
Pea and ham soup-snot with scabs in.
Vichyssoise-cold snot with added polyps.
Miso soup-infected urine, dead goldfish and ear wax.
Celery soup-phlegm and pus.
Asparagus soup-snot infused with farts.
Any soup with cheese in-snot with double phlegm and bird plaps.

Bon appetite.

Sunday, 1 July 2012

Safe and sound for under a pound (not including gin).

Whilst confined to barracks over the last couple of weeks, gozzing up allsorts off my chest, my thoughts have turned to home security.

Sadly, it's a necessary precaution for many of us nowadays, as there are literally millions of packs of wrong 'uns roaming the country, out on the rob.
But it's a pricey business which often leaves the security conscious consumer feeling worse off than if they'd actually been done over by a rat-faced scrote.

Classic rat-faced scrote.

But there are cheaper ways to protect yourself and your property.

My first tip is the 'gold standard' of home and personal security-devilishly simple and virtually foolproof.

It has been proven time and time again that the incidence of burglaries, personal attacks and vandalism dramatically decreases if the resident never leaves the house or answers the door.
There it is-all the information you need.

However, if you are a foolhardy gad-about and insist on leaving the house, make your trip worthwhile by bringing back a bag of roadkill hedgehogs.
Keep your eyes peeled and when you find one, pop it in a strong carrier bag. I find a 'Bag for Life' best, which is rather perverse considering it's full of carcasses.
It's best to get straight home with them as they can be very pungent-the smell is reminiscent of rotting seal, but if you're on the way to work just stick the bag in the works fridge.

On getting home, slit the hedgehog down the belly and open it out, like a spatchcocked chicken*. You now have a deadly weapon and excellent scrote repellent.
Position the hedgehog, spines uppermost, in any high risk areas in your Home Defence Map.
Maybe you have a weak perimeter, in which case lay your hedgehog on the top of gates or exterior walls, or perhaps glue one inside your letterbox to protect against thieves reaching in and stealing your phone table.

If you throw caution to the wind and regularly leave the safety of the house, or insist on answering the door, I suggest that you fashion a hedgehog into a helmet for added personal protection.
A Hodgehat ™© will deter all but the most determined muggers, although you may need two hedgehogs depending on how big your head is and whether you want the additional security of ear-flaps.

Dave relaxing while safe and secure in a 'double Hodgehat'.

Now, CCTV.
Obviously a great piece of home security kit, but a bit of a faff, prone to technical glitches and very expensive.

A much more reliable and economical alternative is to get a pensioner to sit in your window all day. They do it anyway and they love a change of environment. The only costs that you are likely to incur will be from supplying biscuits, tissues and mints, as well as the odd issue of The People's Friend, but you can get these free from your GP's waiting room.

Dave, in The Panic Room. Eat your heart out Clifton.

Finally, the piece de resistence.
The Panic Room.
A massively expensive piece of kit normally reserved for very high profile celebrities like Jimmy Cricket or Bernie Clifton.

But we can't all afford to have total peace of mind for ourselves and our loved ones, can we?

Oh yes we can.

I have made my own 'Panic Room' by kitting out the shed with survival basics such as crumpets, tinned potatoes, gin and fishcakes, plus three week's supply of vests and pants (one of each). I finished it off with a stout bolt lock and chain that can only be opened from the inside.
If you don't have a shed, use the bathroom or any room that has an entrance.
I also keep a can of WD40 and some matches to hand just in case the mofo's breach the defences.

There we are - safe and sound for under a pound (not including gin).

Keep 'em peeled and sleep tight.

* Obviously, don't waste the entrails-boil up to make a nutritious broth.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

18 'Must Have' Money-Saving Tips.

In response to an overwhelming trickle of requests, today's offering consists of a comprehensive collection of my latest money-saving tips.

  • Bin bags stuffed with rubbish make great 'emergency beanbags', should unwanted guests arrive.

Dave, chillaxin'.

  • To deter unwanted guests in the first place, smear your knocker or bell with something unsavoury  like phlegm or arse gravy.
  • If you don't have bay leaves use any leaves.
  • Save uncooked chicken skin. It's a brilliant standby in the event that you need an emergency skin graft. Remove feather stubs.

Totally misunderstanding as usual, Dave has opted for clothes peg earrings.

  • Pretend that you have more sausages for your tea by cutting them in half lengthwise and laying them flat side down on your plate. Do the same with peas.
  • Chicken bones make great bookmarks. This is a brilliant gift idea for Christmas, which is just around the corner.
  • Glue used plasters, blood/pus-stained side outermost, to egg boxes in order to make your own 'Damien Hirst'. Another great Christmas gift idea.
  • The jelly from the pear-shaped tins of ham makes a luxurious 'body butter'. Pork pie jelly is an acceptable, but inferior, substitute.
  • If you come across a used condom save it for storing carrots. Ideal for school lunchboxes.
  • If your spectacles are no longer effective, increase their strength by applying a layer of cling film. 
  • Visit your local petrol station and empty the dribbles from the filling hoses into a bin liner. You will soon have a full tank's worth.
  • Clothes pegs make attractive and useful brooches or, for the gents, tie pins.
  • Christmas is almost upon us so start collecting snail shells now. Fill with earwax in order to make a cheap and unique gift - 'Molluscandles'™ ©. Milk your ears daily for optimum wax production.  
  • If your spoon no longer works don't waste money getting it professionally repaired. Take it to pieces, oil and clean. On reassembling you should find it works perfectly.

Dave disassembling and cleaning his faulty spoon. 

  • The cardboard tube from inside a toilet roll makes a useful 'stool checker'. If you produce a stool with a girth too large to fit through the tube, consider doing a 'turn' at the circus to earn extra money.
  • If you have a sliver of soap, don't throw it away. Wedge it into your favourite orifice. As it warms you will emit a unique fragrance, like a human 'Plug-In'.
  • If you yearn for trouser pockets but have none, use safety pins or clothes pegs to attach carrier bags to your slacks. Stylish and chic.

    Dave modelling his newly-pocketed slacks. 

    • For economical 'bendy rollers', wind your hair around cheap hot dog sausages before going to bed.

    If followed for a week the average wastrel will save at least £50 as a result of these tips. However, the resulting savings MUST NOT BE SQUANDERED ON TELEPHONES, HOLIDAYS, PUGS, SPRAY TANS, CARS, PRINGLES, SCRATCHCARDS, MEALS OUT, UNDERWEAR OR VIDEOS.

    Thank you.

    Thursday, 14 June 2012

    Fragranced fluids, Voodoo Chiles and Bruce Forsyth's anal secretions.

    Fragrance, perfume, aftershave, parfum, scent, l'essence. Whatever you want to call it, it's a waste of money.
    It usually smells unpleasant and is always hugely overpriced. Most of the cost is down to the packaging, with the actual liquid costing around 5p a gallon to manufacture.
    Fancy packaging may please a small child but as a money conscious gimlet-eyed adult, it leaves me cold.

    Dave, whisking up a batch of his Jamie Oliver tribute stink - 'Pukka-Tongue'. 

    And what happened to a subtle 'dab' behind the ears or gentle squirt down the arse crack?
    Nowadays men and women alike seem to drench themselves in the stuff, leaving a nausea inducing cloud of toxic stench in their wake. It may be an acceptable face of anti-social behaviour but anti-social it remains.
    Tag 'em.

    Bizarrely, people spend a fortune on the fragranced fluids peddled by such luminaries as Carol Vorderman, Callum Best, Tulisa, Westlife, Jade Goody, Adrian Chiles or Colleen Rooney.

    I wonder what's going on in someone's head when they hand over real money in return for a bottle of 'Voodoo Chiles' which, incidentally, has top notes of freshly peeled hard boiled eggs with undertones of Beefy Monster Munch and a subtle hint of Rover 75.
    Unimaginatively, the bottle is shaped like a football.
    There is also a matching 'Soap on a Rope', again in the shape of a football.
    I think he's trying to develop a 'brand image'...

    For the females we have Colleen Rooney's 'Butterflies' which has a 'subtle note of Tonka Bean'.
    I kid you not.
    Tonka bean? I doubt she'd know what a runner bean is. They must think we're stupid.
    Really, really stupid.

    Dave, the face of David Platt's new 'fume - 'Street Stink' by Rat Boy.

    And for the He-Shes we have Peter Andre's offering which is a 'shared fragrance' called 'Insania', after his Top Ten hit.
    If you see me buying it, call my usual ward sister and get the syringe ready...

    People who don't have enough money for milk and bog roll will still fork out on a bottle of Donald Trump's latest discharge.
    Do they think they will smell like him if they do? Do they want to?
    Well they won't.
    His 'signature scent' is his bespoke wig glue which is made by boiling up golf balls with the anal secretions from his personal troupe of performing baboons, of which Bruce Forsyth is the pack leader and still his best milker.
    No, they will smell like fags and luncheon meat as usual, but with a 'top note' of sickly nostril-burning stink. And they will have squandered this week's 'Scratchy Money', to boot.

    To conclude. It's a con. They want your money.
    Don't let them have it.

    Saturday, 9 June 2012

    Cards, HUH, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing....

    I find the whole idea of the 'greetings' card a very strange concept. More pressingly, they are a waste of money and a massive drain on this country's resources.

    Upon receipt of a card most people put them up in the house for a few days, where they repeatedly fall over and make the place look untidy. Some folk invite trouble by putting them in the window, where they indicate to burglars that your house is full of expensive gifts, Cava and 'party food'.
    Wherever you place them, the majority are thrown away within the week.

    Dave, showing off his big birthday card and wearing his special birthday hat.

    That's right, they throw your £2 card away, in the bin, dead. Just like you do when you get a card, so let's put an end to this pointless cycle of expensive nonsense right now.

    If you've bought a present, fair enough, but don't buy a card as well.
    Add the card money onto the gift budget, or buy a 'card substitute'- something useful like a packet of crisps, some cheese or a battery, or simply press a couple of quid into their hand while looking meaningfully into their eyes.

    And don't kid yourself that a card is a 'keepsake' or 'momento'.
    Do you treasure your cards and reread them years later, misty-eyed and dribbling while sipping sherry and stroking the cushions?
    I hope not...
    The only types who indulge in that type of behaviour are shrine-building stalkers who wear badges and kiss their Shakin' Stevens cuttings every night before bed.
    Best avoided.

    Dave, recovering from an expensive attack of the Prometheus Shitz.

    I'm not against people expressing their sentiments in writing, but don't go spending two quid on the paper.

    Write your inconsequential ramblings on some scrap paper (junk mail, receipts and Argos outlets are good sources), or for a romantic 'floaty' quality use half a piece of bog roll, unused if you want to impress.
    Scribble on an old piece of foil for a 'Space Age' feel, or spiral your message round a cardboard bog roll tube for a quirky, 'I've lost my marbles and am currently under lockdown' effect.

    And of course, you could always send your message via the Internet. Use someone else's computer to keep electricity costs to a minimum.